Welcome to one of those time-passing articles you read while nervously awaiting dental surgery. It starts with a Google (or Bing, Yahoo or Ask.com, we suppose) search for “car costumes for Halloween” and half of what comes up is cats in costume because the algorithm knows anyone who’s searching for cars or cats in costumes must want to take their mind off something.
So, with the second scariest day of the year practically sprinting up the front steps, we humbly submit an unlucky batch of 13 Halloween cars with some nuanced observation. May you recover from the root canal quickly.
First let’s get Star Wars out of our solar systems.
Yes, bless the franchise for those last-minute teenage Halloween parties when your dad’s housecoat and sister’s white karate belt tying down a flashlight made a quick Luke. (For ultimate flexibility, you could also strap a Chelsea bun over each ear and go as Princess Leia.) But things got way out of hand a long time ago in a Galaxy Ford far ... anyway, here: may the overwhelming force of Disney be with you.
Just getting warmed up, we present the Hungry Honda!
Imagine stumbling upon this after an evening on the town on any night other than Halloween. It would give most people, ahem, a Honda Fit.
Speaking of “hungry”, crustaceans do look like bugs.
Okay, so this photo does not really depict a Halloween car but you didn’t even know that was even a thing before three clicks ago. Besides, consider the notoriety this picture suggests. Any neighbourhood maverick who started handing out lobsters to our little princesses and Spidermen on Halloween would be feared or egged for years to come.
Next, who says money and taste go hand in hand?
Home Depot in Toronto recently banned a Halloween “decoration” called Scary Peeper Creeper from its shelves. Really. Concerned citizens complained it crossed a line – and no one’s arguing around here. But surely Range Rover achieves a similar level of distaste with this rolling accident scene. Kudos to the art director though for attention to detail: note how the letters from the logo were spread by the impact.
At the other ax-treme...
Poverty doesn’t necessarily imply virtue. There’s nothing as spooky as a home with burnt out shells of vehicles on their front lawn. The would-be Halloween hosts in this photo bought (stole?) a novelty straw hat from the dollar store, then sat it on top of granny crypt-keeper’s dusty bones. If this macabre lure for social workers (and exorcists) is out in front of their house, do you really want to be accepting treats from the occupants? Parents, check the wrappers twice and make sure the they’re gummi worms, not actual worms.
Demon Hood!
Back in the ’90s, a talented street artist used to draw huge and very realistic holes in the sidewalk at Yonge and Bloor Streets here in Canada’s baseball team’s long-term temporary residence. Like this. Playing with perspective, the holes revealed hell or, worse, the subway platform directly below. What was so compelling was how hard it was to differentiate the edge of the drawing and the sidewalk. You really couldn’t tell where either began or stopped. Here, notice how the hood on the driver’s side seems to be melting as the demon overtakes this, umm, car. (Recognize the make and model? Please share.)
Speaking of perspective, this caused quite a traffic disturbance.
In a country where it rains 106.5 days per year on average, you need a bent sense of humour to remain sane. The British didn’t even celebrate Halloween until very recently (thanks, Joanne Rowling!) but they’ve brought to it a welcome wit lacking in your workaday sexy vampire outfit. These jokers dressed up as traffic cones and created spontaneous road works in Kingston upon Thames, a neighbourhood in southwest London whose name sounds like it’s being dressed up for Halloween itself.
Dress your car as Hot Wheels.
Never underestimate the heady cocktail of testosterone, lottery winnings and a severe concussion. Yes, there’s wisdom in the saw, “You’re only young once but can be immature your whole life.” If you’ve got several million for the “costume” and cojones of high-strength, lightweight steel, you too could become such a record-holder.
“Holy Future Therapy Bills, Batman!”
OK, so there’s a lot of competition among parents to be the most creative with costumes and decorations. We get that. But when you can’t identify the car beneath those garbage bags disguising it, nor the creepy balloon donators behind the masks, stay away kids. There’s plenty of time to rot your teeth later in life.
Likewise, you could disguise yourself as a car.
Why does Donald Trump bother making up lies about Mexicans and everything else when there’s so much quality madness on the Internet? According to Business Insider, this entrepreneurial Mexican refugee disguised himself as a car seat to smuggle himself into the US. Shockingly, he got caught. Sorry, maybe this picture doesn’t have much to do with Halloween but there’s gum, lollipops and what looks like candy apple detritus ground into the carpet.
Terrify arachnophobes and enrage would-be parkers!
First, this is really meant to be an idea for the multi-tasker, aiming to alienate the maximum number of people with minimal effort. It’s remarkable just how much you can accomplish with a couple of paper plates and some old fire hose. Plus, at no extra charge, here’s an earworm to drive you nuts for the rest of your day: “Spider-Chev, Spider-Chev, does whatever a Spider-Chev does.”
No, Virginia, Latvia is not where Dr. Doom comes from.
As part of European Mobility Week (which is what Halloween would become if do-gooder bureaucratic committees bent on healthy eating and wholesome inclusion got their way) this Baltic bicycler from Riga created a bamboo car to surround his bike. He doesn’t look silly, though, thanks to that snappy suit. Who cares whether this political theatre makes a good costume for trick-or-treating? Latvian moms only shell out marzipan, 30-year-old Soviet licorice and beets anyway.
Speaking of effort, seen your kids lately?
In some neighbourhoods, you wonder just who those people building the perfect Halloween environment are doing it for? This monsterpiece, a Smart forBoo represents dozens of hours of careful labour wherein no child could’ve been allowed within 50 feet of dad.
Happy motoring this Halloween, Canada. Please drive safely and watch for kids.
